The peril! The horror! The Beltway!

LocalJurisdiction finally has a home! After an extended stay, my partner-in-crime-as-of-late has finally moved into his own apartment. Everyone is happy about this, except, perhaps, for the intrepid Mz., who I assume is missing him already, especially as she was taking a shine to him and was definitely interested in getting the kisses and the belly-workings from an extra gentleman.

However, the moving-in-ness was sobered by the fact that LJ would now need his own laundry-preparation accoutrements and inflatable mattress until which time he should return to NoFl in that epic journey known as “U-Haulin’ Crap Up.”

Adventure was in the air.

We decided to head up to Rockville, since it has a nice conjunction of LNT, BBB and craft stores, but first we decided to swing by LJ’s place so he could grab his LNT card for increased buying-ease. I didn’t know quite where we were going, since it’s a part of town that we don’t frequently venture, and when we do, most certainly do not make use of automobiles, so I was trusting LJ’s judgment. Mistake the first. As LJ started telling me an animated story about an ex, we somehow lost track of Mass Ave. I wasn’t paying attention, and apparently neither was he, so when we suddenly found ourselves driving past the FedEx hub on New York Avenue, (I was to later discover this was the road we were on), I asked “Are you sure this is the most efficient way to get to your apartment?” “No,” he replies. I start to realize we are way off target, since I recognized the FedEx building from riding the metro past it frequently, but this chain of thought is immediately interrupted by the wail of about 500 sirens. Cars are swerving all over, trying to avoid the oncoming path of DC’s finest, coming from every imaginable direction. As we begin approaching an extended woody area, I think “this is strange for the middle of DC” – thinking about the untouched real estate – but this thought is quickly overshadowed by the understanding that police cars parked every 500 feet along the roadway is not usual. I jokingly ask if LJ lives anywhere near a prison, and then pause to rephrase, this time in all seriousness, if LJ lives anywhere near a prison. About this time, we come up on an entrance sign to the wooded area, and I realize exactly where we are – the northern perimeter of the Arboretum. I feel like a bit of a dolt for not having thought of it sooner, but in retrospect, my sense of direction has always been largely governed by my orientation in a vehicle. Walk a distance and I’ll be lucky to find my way back. Drive a distance, and I’ll always know exactly where everything is, even – and especially – on foot. Apparently my mental map does not have a zoom-in feature, so my sense of location is on a slightly grander scale that most. Also, I still haven’t been to the Arboretum – even from its southern approach – because Monkey has been far too busy to accompany me.

In any event, at this point, I knew how far off target we were, and if we turned around at that moment, we would at most be 7 miles away from our destination. (I love you, Pythagoras.) We found our way onto the Beltway, and I have to say, I am thankful that LJ has experience being a Florida driver, because not many people can handle the craziness that is the beltway after an intense episode of “which-way-do-I-go!?” in conjunction with a blue-and-red seizure-inducing run-in with the po-po. (Okay, I maximized for hyphens at the end there.)

(As a side note, you always hear that the Beltway is in the top three when counting worst roadways in the US. The other two are usually that one in DFW and I-4 on Orlando. I don’t know who does these studies, but I-4 is a cakewalk. Now, I say this as a seasoned I-4 driver, and it’s probably people who are used to leisurely 35mph driving that take offence at I-4, but still, I-4 is Not That Bad. Further though, the BELTWAY is not that bad. By far, the worst road I have EVER been on is the Sawgrass Expressway, followed by the Florida Turnpike in the 10 miles north or south of its approach to the Sawgrass, and then perhaps I-95 anywhere south of about Lake Worth, where you’ve got about 2’ clearance in any direction but up and still have to flow with traffic at about 95mph. Multiply any of these by a factor of 10 if you’re driving after 11 pm, and you might be able to understand when I say that the Beltway is for wussies. So, when I say that I am glad that LJ has experience being a Florida driver, it has nothing to do with actual skill in driving or attention to detail [though it should]; it instead tends more toward a lauding similar to “I’m sure glad X went to Jeff Gordon Racing School.” In my experience, taking on the beltway only needs three things: nerves of steel, quick reflexes, and the understanding that flooring it is ALWAYS necessary. Florida prepares you for all three.)

Digressions aside, this was a teachable moment. I taught LJ that no matter where you get lost, just find the Beltway. If you stay on it long enough, you’ll either find a road you’re familiar with, or find where you got lost so you can backtrack. In our case, it was Penn, and we soon found ourselves driving toward the familiar colors of Eastern Market… At least in my case; LJ is still too new to fully appreciate subtle landmarks, so as we made our way to his apartment, and then later made our way out to Rockville, I made a point of mentioning landmarks he would be familiar with, as well as pointing out metro exits. The one thing that I wish someone had helped me with when I first moved to DC was explaining what the Metro exits look like aboveground, and what treasures each one leads to – I’d never know I wanted to exit in Cleveland Park if I didn’t know that the exit puts me right in front of Petsmart. Stuff like that is invaluable for the new townie, especially since haphazard adventuring to see what lies just beyond the surface can be dangerous, or at least can deplete you of $1.35. Perhaps my new project will be an interactive metro map explaining what retail and dining can be found in the immediate vicinity of metro stops, or directions to malls, etc from said stops – much like directions to Ikea. Thoughts? Suggestions?

I don’t really feel like going into the rest of the day, because I was motion-sick for most of it, but I was able to do a follow-up on the goings on at the Arboretum. Apparently, some guy abducted a woman on Saturday, and when the police hunted him down at a hotel on Sunday, he fled into the Arboretum. Part of me would commend this guy for choosing such a maze-like and Fugitive-esque escape route, but I won’t because this guy was obviously an idiot to run into the ARBORETUM, where only two likely outcomes exist with great probability – you get caught or you get lost.

(I think last I heard he was in a standoff over on Q street, and if so, that means that he *did* get out of the arboretum, but is *still* gonna get caught.)

As a side note, an officer was shot during all this, so I mean no disrespect; I am merely commenting on the dramatic nature of running into 446 acres of Federal property for the sake of eluding a squadron of DC and Maryland police officers.