Au Bon Pain and Holiday Parties, among other things.

Aargh. Ophelia is feeling conflicted. And sad. And hungry.

I ate lunch at Au Bon Pain because I had intended to go get soup-in-a-bread-bowl, but it wasn’t worth the hassle, so I got one of their hot parchment-baked sandwiches instead. It was awful. I’m not even going to talk on the ABP experience except to say this: just because you make it into a cute crescent shape does not negate the fact that it is ciabatta. Further, ciabatta bread is tough and chewy TO BEGIN WITH, so please, explain to me why on Earth it would be a good idea to bake bread, let it cool enough to stuff it, bake it again with the goodies inside, and then leave it in a hotbox all day? A hotbox that you refuse to keep humid, no less! Further, what has possessed EVERY bread-like-substance vendor on Earth to assume that ciabatta bread is PALATABLE and that EVERYONE loves it?! My TMJ flare-up says otherwise.

Right, so that leaves me with this throbbing at my temples, and ultimately means that the next time I yawn, the entire office will jump at the perceived sound of a gunshot, which is in actuality, my jaw echoing through the building. Monkey can attest to the loudness of my jawpops.

It is rainy and scuzzy out, (skuzzy being accepted by M$ Word, though not actually a word, I will further defy it by using a word I know is a word).

In case you didn’t know, I’ve begun dealing with SAD since moving up to DC. I should probably do something about it, but I just haven’t gotten around to it. (If that’s not indicative, I don’t know what is.) I’ve been trying to make myself go outside every day, but it’s an awful effort, and today was definitely no picnic. I couldn’t wait to get back inside after getting my food, and I know I’ll suffer for it later.

Which brings me to a small corner of other problems, which involves the fact that everyone I know seems to be involved in some sort of life-affirming event, or at least, their lives are changing drastically toward a positive end.

Today, I found out that a friend, who has been dating XYZ for less time than Monkey and I have been in DC, married SOMEOME last Friday (probably XYZ, but since it was out of the blue, who knows.) After my initial reaction of dumbfoundment, I started to feel really angry and jealous.

This friend’s exgirlfriend is also engaged and should be marrying ABC, ANOTHER friend of ours (who incidentally, she met through Monkey and Ophelia), sometime in the Spring (?). So it feels kinda like everyone I know is getting married at the drop of a hat.

I feel jealous because I feel like that should be ME getting engaged and getting married, and then I feel angry with myself for feeling that way because I am NOT ready to be married, and don’t even WANT to be married yet, but somehow I feel pressured like I, too, should be doing that ring thang. Reasons in favor of not being engaged or even married: myriad. Reasons in favor of being engaged or married: I wanna feel like a princess, too. I’m not financially or professionally in a situation to take that big step. Neither is Monkey. But at the same time, I feel I’ve been with him so long that sometimes I just want to get it over with. I think part of me is buying into that myth that our lives won’t really start until we’re a couple in the eyes of G-d and under the sexually-discriminating marriage laws of OurGreatNation. Part of me thinks that once that happens, the happily-ever-after starts, and I keep trying to bludgeon that part of me over the head with a 2x4. It’s not working, and I only seem to be suffering more emotional-brain-damage.

So there’s that.

And there’s more.

Of all the people I met in college, only two would I ever apply the word “sister” to. And no, not in that artificial sorority sense. There are only two women who I know have always got my back, and who I’d give some liver to, if called upon, because while I have a lot of “friends”, only those two were there when we all three went from wide-eyed girls to fragile adults. They were my rocks when I went through my first real heartbreak, and now, they’re experiencing some themselves. So, when Ms. H called to tell me that she had broken up with her soulmate and was in the process of trekking her life in Syracuse back to Florida all over again, I tried to be the best shoulder I could.

When I talked to her a few days later, things looked brighter. She had a plan. Sometimes bad things happen only for the perpetuation of bad, and sometimes they only happen to happen. When a by-chance badness comes into your life, this is when you get a do-over. So, Ms. H’s plan is now to return “home” (a stick-on term at this point – for both of us), and will take her stab at going back to school. I love her, and I am proud of her, and I will always stick by her,
But
This
Made
Me
SO
JEALOUS.

I can feel the envy poking me in the back of my sternum. It’s making a little bubble of ire about the size of a pea stick in my throat as I try to keep the frogs down… Even as I type.
Or perhaps that’s the guilt, because I feel overwhelmed – almost consumed – by this guilt and the aforementioned guilt, and really, anything at all that will make me feel guilty.
I almost hate myself for feeling jealous over something which she really has no control over, especially as it is her only current recourse after such a personally destructive event. I have no right to envy her that.
And I do, and I feel like it makes me a worse person.

Note that I say worse, because I already feel like a pretty bad person these days.

Even when I go to do my volunteering, I leave feeling beaten. I used to come home exhausted but enlivened. These days, I feel like I’ve done someone some horrible wrong so that I don’t want to even be around people anymore.

The worst, though, is that I keep forcing myself to go do things and try and have fun even when I don’t want to in hopes that I won’t feel so awful about me… In hopes that I’ll meet the right person who can put it all in perspective. I keep hoping to meet Avalokiteshvara.

I keep coming home feeling confused, tired, and pawed-at.


I can’t wait for the holidays – and winter – to be over.